Once you have children, everyone you come into contact with suddenly has an opinion on how you should raise your child. I’ve collected some of the most annoying, stupid, rude, or judgmental statements here for your amusement. (If you are the perpetrator of such statements, please use this as a handy guide for what not to say in the future.)

“Is she potty trained yet?” This question seems harmless at first, but it started a couple months before my daughter’s second birthday and has not stopped since. It drives me crazy since I am a huge proponent of waiting until my daughter is ready and I don’t need the inherent judgement of this question. It also can be embarrassing to my daughter if she is in earshot. I don’t question your bathroom goings on, stop questioning my kid’s!

“There’s no such thing as a high-needs baby/toddler: All babies are high needs.” I have been told this several times when my daughter was a baby and young toddler, usually after I got done telling a story about how hard it is to parent a high needs/spirited child. This statement is just awful because it completely invalidates the experience I just related. As a first-time mom, hearing this also instilled a lot of guilt because it implies that I have made my child be this way. Now that I have a second child who is the complete opposite of his sister, I know for a fact that some children are just wired differently.

“She’s still nursing?!” This question started when my daughter was a year old, but the tone of voice accompanying it has gotten more and more offensive as she has gotten older. Now that we are past the two-year mark this question is asked with a tone of horror and scorn. I am proud of our breastfeeding journey and have no need to justify it, especially in earshot of my daughter. My daughter has become self-conscious about asking to nurse around certain people because of their rude statements about it. No child should have to feel ashamed of their comfort/nutrition source.

“Enjoy these moments–they grow up so fast!” Just stop saying this to a frazzled looking mom with young kids. If I’m wearing fresh clothes and make up and am out without my children, then ok. Otherwise, no. I do not need to enjoy all the moments. Mamahood is hard, and I don’t need guilt about the times when I am overwhelmed. Related to this is the “looks like you’ve got your hands full” comment which makes young mamas want to scream and cry simultaneously. Of course our hands are full. Shut up or help, those are your options.

“When are you planning the next one? How many do you want?” Last time I checked, my family planning decisions were up to my husband and I. This question is really obnoxious because it often implies pressure to have a family of a certain size. Sometimes when you are in the trenches with little ones you just can’t handle thinking about if or when there might be another one.

Really the inherent problem with all of these is that people assume that they have a right to know information, or that they know better than you how to handle it all. The solution to all of these would be people choosing to listen instead of inform, help instead of comment, and change the subject instead of asking a rude question.

Becca Schwartz is a cloth diapering, baby wearing, semi-crunchy mama to a toddler girl and baby boy. She and her husband have a small mini-farm with a flock of chickens, a few goats, and rabbits, and are making plans to move out west to start a homesteading adventure together!